"Why this umbilical cord attachment to your home?" This was a question put to me by a professor in college once, when I told him that I would be taking up a job at my home town Pune. And it is precisely this question that I find myself mulling over now, as I struggle to find my own way here in a city so many thousands of miles away from my home. The term may sound odd, but it is indeed that invisible umbilical cord that keeps you bound to the familiar, the known. And when that inevitable moment comes to snap it off, you find yourself gasping for breath, like the newborn forced to come to terms with this alien environment so different from the warmth and security of the womb.
Here I am today, ready to spread my wings and fly off to my own nest in a land not so unfamiliar and yet so foreign. There are moments of exhilaration at making a new discovery or a quick decision on my own, and yet so many times I find myself mired in moments of self-doubt. A string of wrong decisions, errors in judgement, or just plain stupidity... and with every mistake I have only me to fall back on. Of course, that need not be such a bad thing, because while I may be my biggest critic, it is always less of a hassle to take responsibility for one's own actions than bear the guilt of someone else doing it for you. But still, making up for your own mistakes (even something stupid like leaving your glasses at the airport), especially when it is a repeated phenomenon, isn't exactly the best morale booster. Neither does it come cheap.
If anyone were to take a peek into my mind right now, they'd see your micro version of a warring household... with one side going "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???" YOU CANT POSSIBLY DO THIS ON YOUR OWN!!" and the other side hollering, "STOP BEING A BABY!!" But somewhere, lost in the pandemonium of doubt and apprehension, a tiny part of me believes that somehow, everything will be okay. No matter how hard it gets, it can only be good for me. After all, this is what growing up is really all about.
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