A Random Rambling

When will I ever fathom the human mind? First you long and long for something to happen, and when it does, you find something else to long for. Maybe my mom is right, maybe its just me, and maybe its just a matter of learning to be happy wherever you are. But that precisely is the problem. I AM happy. When I think back to my state of mind just a little over a year ago... I was in a job that I loved and had learned a lot from, but a job that took so much out of me that I had no more left to give. The stress was so high that I often had nightmares about missing a story, and my first task in the morning would be reading three newspapers... mine and the other two rivals... sifting feverishly through just the regional section, I had no energy or time left to do more than hastily scan the national pages, let alone the international ones. My life revolved around Pune and my job, laughter had become rare, and sickness more frequent.

So yes, when I look back to those days, my life right now is more than a walk in the park. Its a walk in the most beautiful park I could ever ask for. My vision and perspective of the world is far broader today than I ever expected it to be. I am meeting people from so many different countries, and getting exposed to the ways of the world. I am living my own life, making my own decisions, and learning new things every day. When it comes to independence, strength and challenge, there is abundance. And through it all, I even find joy in the smallest things in life. Plugging in music as I walk down the street to catch my bus, cooking myself a fancy meal or watching the shimmering waters of the river Rhine. So I am happy in every sense of the word. I know that this is the best thing that could be happening to me, its right and its good.

BUT BUT BUT... why then do I feel this other emotion tugging at me from within? The longing for that person sitting miles away, that familiar warmth and comfort of a home and family? Why then, amidst all the happiness inside me and the perfection around me, is there still that nagging sense of incompleteness within?

These thoughts anger me. I feel incapable... of living in the moment, or cherishing the present. But then I think, what am I doing to prevent me from doing that? I never deny any experience or opportunity that comes my way. But then when my mind wanders to that what I cannot yet have, am I not losing out on that experience anyway.

Maybe there is no one way. Maybe there is no singular reality or state of mind. I bought a mood ring in Wales, and it always shows me a rainbow of colours.... a range of moods. So maybe for me, there is no such thing as complete happiness or unhappiness. Just as life itself can never give you the good without a bit of the bad. Maybe the two worlds can coexist, and maybe somehow balance each other out. Maybe Maybe Maybe...